As she stood there and looked ahead at the horizon; she felt a huge regret upon herself, thinking about the wrong things she had done; but at that point what seemed to bother her more was the fact that she had become a victim of her own mistakes and that now she had lost complete control over herself that nothing else in the world seemed to matter. She had far crossed the forbidden zone and now she was so addicted that she just couldn’t stop herself. Day in and day out her urges only grew stronger and stronger, it had almost changed from addiction to an inevitable habit. She never even bothered to stop herself and question her true inner conscience if what she was doing was right or whether this was the life she actually wanted. Maybe she was too afraid to ask herself that cause she felt that her habit had already overpowered her life and the only thing left was for her was to tell everyone else.
But she did try her best to stop herself, she looked for all the possible solutions she could, she tried to stop thinking over it too much, got rid of things that reminded her of it,she tried to distract herself and did almost everything that anyone could ever think of.But nonetheless nothing seemed to work; she was far away from shore, in the middle of the sea in a sinking boat. The ghastly winds,the tormenting waves it was all crashing against her boat. She wanted to just let go of her boat and just let the water take her in. But in her mind in a small corner amidst all the turbulence, she felt that even the sea wouldn’t take her instead it would just toss her all the way until shore. She’d still have the nightmares and nobody to help her.
She felt if not for the sea let’s think of other ways, she had lost all hopes on life that even death didn’t seem to scare her; in fact the turbulence her mind created was what troubled her the most. She scremt out loud inside her head “Why Can’t I Control My Own Thoughts and Emotions?” Is it really possible that merely an incident could have such a huge impact on my life. I’ve been held captive and since then it has only been growing on me; now I feel like a paralyzed victim of its effects and I feel like the parasite has fed on me to such depths that I almost seize to exist now.
I could just put on loud music and dance all the way through and forget all this, as though it were a delusion, but I forget at times that I’m an independent and mature person with a lot of responsibilities which I’ll fail to fulfill if this continues. I could just slit my hand or hang myself and in no time I would be far away from all this mental torture that I’m going through!
As I look back all I see is the image of a bright, happy and really ambitious girl who had a lot of aspirations and dreams she thought she’d fulfill and even thought of things to such a great extent that her friends looked upto her for motivation. And now down the lane I fail to lead a normal life. I could just fantasize all day and run away from reality just to satisfy my thirst but then when you are headed on A Quest for Fire, the thirst just becomes an Unquenchable Thirst!!