Caged and Restrained, Will I be able to break free??

He said “I love you”, she replied ”I love you to”,he considered it a reciprocation. Little did she know how he interpreted it. To her it was just another casual statement, the same feelings she would express if it were some other friend of hers. To her love meant care and compassion. But he didn’t think twice at all, love was lust and an underlying passion for him. He didn’t associate love with care or concern, that was some underaged thing for him. She was still at the blossoming peak period of her life. It was the time in her life where she had to make huge decisions, the turning point in one’s life the crucial turns in terms of career and all other decisions to take. She didn’t want a love story yet, dating was not something that interested her either. She did have friends who were in relationships, but she made it a point to not get carried away or drawn into their stories. Was it wrong that she taught differently in comparison to the others?

It’s almost a compulsion these days to have a boyfriend, but what’s so fascinating about it, is it actually and genuinely love or just a ‘word’ associated with no feelings at all. She knew Edward Cullen and Christian Grey but she didn’t want anyone in her personal life just yet. She did have her own fantasies and her breakdowns but that wasn’t an implication that she needs someone to hold her hand, wipe her tears, give her hugs and kisses, or be updated with everything happening in her life. She did long for company but not in the same way the onlooker looked at her through his eyes. She had fears and her studies were getting hectic for her, life was so painful and dull. She was so under motivated and almost lost all her self-confidence.

The age-old scars left in her life by an old friend unintentionally had already caused so much damage to her life. She had nightmares and mental disturbances due to the acts she witnessed, she had issues she could never fix now. She felt like a victim who managed to just survive but then there was so much, she had never imagined that it would hold on for so long, that even after so many years she could never get rid of those feelings or habits. They had changed her unknowingly, she had tried to forget those things and move on in life , she thought time would be the best medicine and didn’t seek for any other help. But with time, they only grow stronger and almost engulfed her in their desires. Even though she stopped herself a small trigger would make her all weak and pale and she would just give in like in a trance. She was in aĀ delusion.Ā Nobody knew of this but that didn’t help either it was now a problem she had to deal with all by herself. It was almost best suited with the phrase a ‘Ideal mind is a devil’s workshop’. Her surroundings and everyday happenings around her only made her weaker she couldn’t fight it out, the side effects began to show slowly and they almost became permanent life damaging instances.

Gone was the creativity and imagination and dreams that this little young girl had seen. All the innocence, happiness,passion and dreams of her were almost just plucked away from her. She felt like a lifeless being scared. She feared that she’d never be able to do anything productive in life ever again. Dreams, desires, strengths, passion, courage they were all just gone. All that remained were the age-old scars, pain, fear, misery, weakness and a never-ending list of feelings she never thought she’d ever be captivated by. It’s a prison that she doesn’t know if she can ever break free!!

 

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